Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
