I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
