why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
