I want to stick my p in your. b.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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