6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
