he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
