literally had 100 drinks last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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