its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
