We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He better not be in your backpack
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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