I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
