I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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