just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
