she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
