Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
