The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
