3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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