remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
