the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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