dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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