the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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