Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
