OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
