So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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