my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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