Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
