You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
