just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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