there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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