Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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