i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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