So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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