I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
did i just pee glitter
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
