WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
