Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
