after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
