Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
