I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
