I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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