luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
