Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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