my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
