so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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