Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
