They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
