I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
