I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
