no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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