I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
