its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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