I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
