I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sorry my hands just texted you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
